No words

There are no words that can express how I've been feeling lately.  It has been almost 12 years since I last held my baby boy:_(  Twelve years!  Everybody is talking about how their kids are finishing up the school year and all of the accomplishments.  I'm happy for them, and at the same time I'm REALLY sad for myself and for my kids.  They have been cheated out of having a big brother here to play with them and protect them. 

I have this emptiness and this ache that I just can't make go away.  And I am constantly seeing new parents that are having to endure this pain.  WHY?!?!  When will it end?  Why must we suffer like this?  It breaks my heart all over again to see/hear about the pain they are going through.  The helplessness is the worst feeling ever!  To know that there is nothing that can be said or done to make the pain and emptiness go away can be even more upsetting. 

I know I have to get up every day and that I have other children who depend on me now, but somedays I just can't do it.  I don't want them to see me like this, but unfortunately this is who I am.  And they need to know that it's ok to cry and it's ok to be upset about our loss.  Even though they never "met" him they KNOW him!  He is a part of our family and I will make sure he always is.

I miss you my sweet baby boy!!!!!!  <3
<3 Mommy <3